The Road to Eurovision: Julia Stalks ABBA
As seems to be the tradition now, the festivities began with one of our two hosts, Julia Zemiro, heading off on a road trip around Europe to catch up with past contestants. This year, since the thing was being hosted in Sweden, obviously that means you've got to hunt down former members of ABBA to have a chat. Of course, given ABBA's high profile, you do that at the end of the one hour trek across the continent.
Surprisingly enough, there was actually a good deal of informative information in this pseudo-documentary about the song contest. In amongst the obligatory clip shows of protest songs, costume changes, drag queens, and so forth, we had some pretty decent information about the Berlin wall, the Baltic states and their fight for independence, and the fact that Poland isn't in the competition this year. When asked about how she felt about this, one Polish woman's answer was that she had no TV.
Julia visited the likes of Germany, Poland, the Ukraine, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Finland, before finally arriving in Sweden. There were some familiar faces along the way, not just winners but anyone memorable enough to be remembered. For example, remember that crazy Amazonian style woman that was the Ukraine's entry a little while back? She broke the stage during rehearsal. She physically broke the stage by stamping on it too hard.
Also in the Ukraine is another memorable act. In fact, an act so memorable that it can be described by a single word. A word so powerfully descriptive that it must be SHOUTED whenever it is being used to describe this act. And that word is... DANCING! If you thought the act couldn't get bizarre enough, we were treated to some weird acoustic version of the song, as if the band had been crammed into the Triple J studios to do Like a Version.
In Finland, of course, it is compulsory to visit Lordi, and in Latvia all we got was a former Danish contestant calling Eurovision a freak show. At least he was honest about it.
With the good memories, unfortunately comes the bad. And by bad I mean a certain Irish turkey puppet. Even the few seconds that Julia dared show us was enough to make my blood boil.
It was all worth it, though. At least, it was for Julia. She got to meet 75% of ABBA, albeit not all at once. Even us non-ABBA fans were treated to the original version of Waterloo. The one not sung in English.
Semi-final 1: The Ballads Begin
Semi-final 1 began by indicating that this year's Eurovision Song Contest would buck the trend a little. While last year's winning song and act are usually reserved for the final, we were treated to it right from the get-go here. We began by seeing it pass through all the different countries and different song styles.... including a mime. Once on stage it was sung by a whole bunch of kids who also signed it out for the deaf. And then we were treated to the woman who sang it last year for a bit. And then we were treated to one single host for the first time in a number of years that I forgot to write down.
The night was filled with power ballads for the most part. Estonia, Russia, The Netherlands, Moldova, Cyprus. They all sang ballads. Estonia's even started in black and white. Is there a rule in the official drinking game about that? Russia's was written in Sweden and sung with Swedish back-up singers. Moldova just had weird hair. Everyone except Cyprus made it through to the final.
The night began, however, with Austria and our first key-change of the night with some standard commercial pop by someone trying to channel the look of River Song from Doctor Who. It didn't work, because while River has a lot of energy in that show this song did not. Slovenia gave us an ex-Disney soundtrack singer, but this song was anything but Disney material. This was pure Eurovision disco, and I don't think the kids go for that sort of thing.
About halfway through the night we got to Montenegro. Sam Pang claimed it was Eurovision summed up in the next three minutes. I thought that was a mighty big call, until I saw the act. He wasn't kidding. The act was hip-hopping astronauts. And I mean astronauts. Helmets, backpacks, the lot. And then some crazy cyberpunk woman started singing as well. The act did not make the finals. A gross injustice had occurred.
The night was rounded off by Serbia, who had forgotten to finish making their 70's themed retro coloured costumes because they'd spent too much time making sure they're over the top cliched 70's hair was right. It felt more like three girls gossiping or something than an actual song.
The best part of the night though was not any of the songs. The best part of the night was a segment about Eurovision in Australia. Really. An actual, honest to God segment presented by Julia Zemiro herself. The crowd loved it, and it's perhaps the closest we will ever get to actually being a part of the competition.
Once the acts had all done their thing, we were treated to a recap. And then another recap. The second recap, however, was of the entire history of Eurovision, with our weird host spliced in to the footage wherever possible. No wonder the cost for the competition had ballooned. They spent all their money on special effects.
The interval act was interpretive dance about the Northern Lights. I'll let that one sink in for a bit.
After some weird clip with Linda Woodruff making an absolute fool of herself, we were treated to a preview of the six acts already in the final and then the results (presented of course in the most agonisingly "suspenseful" way possible).
Semi-final 2: The Variety Night
The start of Semi-final 2 continued to prove that it's not just the contestants that try weird gimmicks. The opening act was the Urban Orchestra or something along those lines. They started as a dancing orchestra. Then there were BMX bikes, and then a giant laptop. And then our wonderful host proved that it's not just the contestants that choose to wear weird costumes. It seemed she had taken a page out of Serbia's costume design, and forgotten to finish the front of her dress.
We wasted no time getting underway, and soon we were treated to rubbish Euro pop and rap from Latvia. It was, however, a nice refresher and finally a taste of all things Eurovision that had been missing last night, including slow motion walking.
San Marino decided to give their singer form last year another shot. There was a glowing orb, Italian lyrics, several key changes, a costume change, and even a tempo change. There was not, however, any love for San Marino and they failed to make the finals. Nor was there any love for FYR Macedonia. Maybe because people were just confused. It started off as a standard male power ballad, but then the Queen Gypsy (no really, she was actually Queen of the Gypsies or something) came onstage and things just got weird.
The most interesting thing about Israel's entry was the fact that her dress managed to not split wide open down the front. The most interesting thing about Hungary's song was nothing. They sent a hipster, and the song went nowhere like all hipsters do. And yet Hungary made the final. Albania failed to rock Europe with their Albania rock song, complete with pyrotechnics.
Switzerland unseated the Russian grannies in having the oldest ever contestant, a 95 year old man who at times looked like he didn't quite know what he was meant to be doing apart from play that huge double bass. The song was catchy enough, but not in a way that got them through to the finals.
After our obligatory recap and the second half of last-night's historical overview (which seemed to go a lot quicker than last night) we were treated to the interval act. After the interval act last night, and the opening acts so far, I was expecting something truly out there. Oh how I was disappointed. Instead of something that creams "Eurovision Interval Act!" we got stock standard acts that felt a lot like two more Eurovision entries than anything else.
An interesting highlight of the night was Sam Pang's interview backstage with the guy who produces all the acts. It was interesting about how he has to remain neutral and unbiased during it all. It was also interesting to hear him say "I gave up years ago having conversations about taste."
The Final: Sex Appeal and Serial Killers
The third night of festivities began, as they usually do, with an opening cinematic. This year, we were forced to follow a caterpillar traveling from Azerbaijan (after last years comp) to Sweden. Somewhere along the way the caterpillar becomes butterfly to enter Sweden, finally explaining why we've been seeing coloured butterflies for the entire weekend. Then we were onstage with a choir, which heralded the entrance of a descending bridge, which allowed for the Olympic flag parade. The performers entered in performing order, and potentially spoiled the style of some of the acts.
Our singular host returned for a third night, this time wearing bright pink curtains that formed a dress. Australia was given yet another shout-out, complete with a joke about crossing live to a family home watching the competition live at 5 a.m. local time... where everyone was asleep.
We got underway with some French bluesy jazz. It was actually pretty good jazz, that builds with energy. It was not the stuff that wins Eurovision, unfortunately. Spain opened with bagpipes. Let me repeat that. Spain opened with bagpipes. And then it descended into a hybrid of every music genre ever. Was it rock? Country? Bollywood? Did they even want to win, or were they so worried about the financial cost of hosting the competition that they pulled a Father Ted and purposefully entered an atrocious bomb. Italy didn't try later on in the night either, entering a guy in a suit just standing there singing.
A semi-big theme apparent over the three nights night was drums. Dirty great big drums. Bulgaria had some in Semi-final 2 but failed to make it (they were probably let down be the goat-pipes). Denmark made it through from the semis by channeling the crazy-hair Euphoria winning look from last year. She was also barefoot. Although I don't remember last year's winning song having a recorder as one of the instruments. As the Danish song played I couldn't help but feel as though I'd heard the song before. Then I realised it was because I'd heard it on the ad for the soundtrack. Ireland, however, had a freaking monopoly on drums. They had masses of them. So many that it almost distracted everyone from the really weird backup dancing that was going on.
Belarus had a giant disco ball out of which the singer appeared. Belgium sang about love killing over and over. Doesn't that make love a serial killer? Azerbaijan had a mime in a box, and Malta had a singing doctor accompanied by hilariously simple typography ("ooh ooh ooh"). Iceland pretty much cheated by singing what sounded like "Hallelujah" in Icelandic.
Finland sang about marriage. In that she sang about how she wanted everyone to marry her. She was so excited about this prospect that she had clearly forgotten to finish her wedding dress. The end result was someone who I did not want to marry.
Azerbaijan stole what is usually Germany's schtick and sang about peace and love. Unfortunately, they chose to do so in the style of an 80's rock anthem. Norway gave us Bjork style electro-pop. It was decent enough, even if it felt like it lacked a little energy in places. Germany might as well have just sang "Euphoria" it sounded so similar.
Even though the Ukraine was in the semifinals, after seeing the act again I still couldn't work out what the song was about. Unless it was about sex appeal, in which case she and the Eurovision camera crew did a great job of portraying it. There was also an eight foot tall man at the beginning of the act, because why not?
While some acts get through from the semifinals based on sex appeal, Greece got through on alcohol appeal. They sang about how alcohol is free. Before you dispute this claim, I should point out that they may be onto something because at several points during the act the trumpeter tried to strum his trumpet like a guitar. ALso, there was the obligatory Zorba style dancing. It must be a requirement for Greek entries to include that.
Lthuania gave us some decent Indie rock stylings, albeit with some cheesy lyrics.... Wait, did he just sing about shoes? Georgia's entry was a power ballad duet by the guy who wrote Euphoria. Bonnie Tyler represented the U.K. and sang her usual country stuff. Sweden sang about Yooooooouuuuuuuooooooouuuuuu in a standard boy band trashy way, albeit with some odd interpretive dance.
And then there was Romania. When this act closed out semi-final 2, Julia and Sam couldn't describe it when they introduced it. I couldn't describe it when I saw it. I still can't describe it now. (If you think it starts off weird, wait until the 40 second mark.)
After the obligatory recap the interval act was last year's winner singing three songs. No points for guessing what the last one was. Then an opportunity to drink arose, as our wonderful host had changed outfits. Now she was dressed as Snow White, or something. Were treated to a mockumentary on the Swedish people, and then treated to an absolutely spectacular Broadway style song on the subject. Seriously, it put other interval acts to shame.
Rounding it off was Part 3 of our Eurovision history lesson and then Linda Woodruff as she really is: singer Sarah Dawn Finer. Unfortunately, she chose to sing ABBA, instantly disappointing me when I thought Sweden could make it three Eurovision nights in a rowing without resorting to something so obvious.
After another outfit change, it was time to tally up the votes, and that's when I decided to call it a night and not see Germany's Lena screw up her country's tally. The winner turned out to be Euphoria clone Denmark, so I guess for once copying elements of last year's winning song actually worked.
Conclusion: Eurovision Rises
In the end, I like to think that this year things got mixed up a bit. The single host, and the fact she didn't take things too seriously, meant that a little bit of the fun was injected back into the contest. From her odd costume choices to having teat with a past winner in semifinal 2, it felt like the party it should. The hardcore Aussie fans finally felt included in the contest. Hell, even SBS's Eurovision Twitter hashtag was the number one trending tag worldwide on the night of the final, complete with quick wit and biting sarcasm.
Let's hope the trend continues next year.
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