Eurovision Roundup 2011: How is the Stage Not on Fire?

Last year Germany won Eurovision by basically sending a young girl in a black dress to sing a catchy, modern pop song that was admittedly not all that bad. Given that many Eurovision contestants try to replicate the winning formula in some way, it was a wake up call for the countries to go back to basics and just send in simple songs. Did they listen?

No.

Something got lost in translation, because suddenly we were bombarded with all sorts of bizarre songs that felt like they'd been brought forward in time from decades gone by. For some reason, that also meant a hell of a lot of pyrotechnics and smoke machines.

Ironically, that was all completely unnecessary as the festivities began with a two part documentary on the history of Eurovision, and so we didn't need to see any of this stuff in the actual competition.


The Secret History of Eurovision: What Do You Mean It's Not (All) About the Music?

For a documentary on the world's most kitsch music competition, this was actually surprisingly good (even if it did manage to insinuate within the first ten minutes that CIA funding allowed the competition to get up and running). Split up over two parts, it explains how the competition came about and does a good job of explaining all that political voting that goes on much better than Terry Wogan ever could. Yet even for a somewhat serious documentary, you can't escape showing actual footage of the contest. That's where the fun really is, especially when the contestants are interviewed and get to reminisce about their song. Some understand that the show is ludicrous, others take it pretty seriously.

But if I learnt one thing it's that there was, at one point, a rival competition run by the Soviets (back when Europe was still split politically and ideologically between East and West). And on this show a young man named Edward Anatolevich Hill sang a poorly lip-synched song that has now become known as (yes, you guessed it) "Trololololol". Either that, or these documentary makers have a warped sense of humour.

Then again, maybe it's just Europe as a whole that has the great sense of humour. Hell, the third vox pop they showed during the introduction of the second part was someone saying "It's a load of crap." There was someone from Finland after Lordi's win saying that "We're not all that ugly," and last year's winner Lena even took a musical swipe at people complaining about her English accent.


Semi-Final 1: Back to Basics Does Not Mean Back in Time

The festivities opened with some voting. No, really. They opened the voting lines before they'd even shown the first song. Not that it helped the first five entries, because they all failed to make it into the final. Poland were stuck in the 90's with their disco tune that didn't make it. Norway sang in Swahili, which is probably why they didn't make it. I guess Albania didn't get through because no one could see what was going on due to the fire that kept obscuring the stage.

When Armenia opened their act, I was shocked to think for a moment that Julia Zemeiro had been transported from the commentary booth and onto the stage, in what turned out to be a boxing-themed set for the song. Not that boxing actually had anything to do with the song as far as I could tell.

Russia's singing stuntman, reality TV competition winning actor seemed to be able to do everything, except get out of the 80s. Georgia were a highlight, with 90's punk rock melded with hip-hop and the talent to pull it off. I was too distracted by the similarities between Siwtzerland's musical motif and the opening notes of Spicks and Specks to remember anything else about their song at all.

When Finland were introduced, Sam Pang told us that "If you liked Lordi.... turn off now." He wasn't kidding. The country that once gave as metal was now giving us what sounded like The Whitlams. When we got to Croatia, those of you playing the drinking game would have had a ball. There were three costume changes. If you weren't drunk yet, you were by the end of the song. Croatia deserved bonus points for the magician DJ they had on stage. They deserved to have those points revoked for him being extremely creepy.

Portugal (intentionally) dressed like they were in the 70's. They acted as if they were on a children's TV show. Greece tried to blend electro-funk, power-ballad pop, hip-hop, and pyrotechnics. If you thought that was going to fail, you'd be wrong. It made it into the final. The song apparently featured someone called Stereo Mike. I sure hope Stereo Mike was the rapper and not the operatic singer.

The interval act was, dare I say it, surprisingly good. It was one of those marching drum bands, and they were admittedly rather impressive, what with all the acrobatics they integrated into their act and all.

After the interval, we crossed to the green room where everyone looked like they were in cut out swimming pools, and one of our "hilarious" hosts opened envelopes and announced the winners. So why were they were printing stuff out and putting it in envelopes only to have them opened mere seconds later? Oh, they meant virtual envelopes.


Semi-Final 2: If There's No Fire, There's Still Smoke

Semi-Final 2 gave us a bit of a reprieve from the pyrotechnics, but didn't hold back on pumping out the smoke from the smoke machines. Nor did they hold back on the boy bands and power ballads. Sweden gave us a boy band. Austria gave us Whitney Houston and back up singers who didn't sing for the first half of the song. Belgium gave us beatboxing. No, really. Unfortunately it was pretty dull and so didn't get through.

Cyprus managed to find some men who could somewhat defy gravity and lean over from side to side way past what should have been their tipping point. Either that, or so much smoke had been pumped out by the point they arrived that the density of the air was drastically changed for them to be able to pull it off.

Estonia made it to the final by putting on a Rock Estedford act, complete with some cheap magic and stupid facial expressions. I've still got parts of their song in my head, but it saddens me that as far as I know they never did tell us what the Rockefella Groove was. (They only told us what to do to find out: keep moving.) I didn't get to see much of F.Y.R Macedonia, but neither did anyone else, since the cameraman kept focusing on the one (admittedly quite attractive) female backup dancer amongst the several male backup dancers.

Whereas in semi-final one we cut to the interval act pretty much straight away, we were treated to three brain-numbing recaps of the songs before the lines closed. And just when I thought they hadn't actually hired an interval act for tonight, we got break dancers break dancing to classical music. It was better than it sounds... marginally. And if you thought the recaps would never end, you were praying for them to come back when the interval act dragged on and on as well.


The Final: I'm Scared Because I'm Impressed By What I See

The Eurovision final is stock full of tradition. Ever since the semi-finals were introduced, it has been tradition for different people to host the final than the semis. Imagine my horror when the terrible trio stepped back out on stage for a third night of Eurovision festivities. It's also seemingly becoming a tradition to give Australian viewers a shout-out, and tonight was no exception. It has also been tradition for last years winner to open the show with last year's winning song, but since Lena was competing again for Germany this year that wasn't really an option. So imagine my even greater horror when the hosts decide they'll sing it.

Imagine my shock when they proved that they could all sing. Not only that, but they did what a good cover version does: re-interprets the original. And hence, for the first time ever, Eurovision was opened by a song that was actually really good. And there was a nice twist when Lena appeared on stage toward the end to finish up the song.

Lena's actual song was also a really good contemporary indie-pop song with electronic elements, but it's not the sort of thing that wins song contests. The Ukraine was also mighty impressive, not so much for the song as for the fact that they had someone onstage doing live sand-art. Sure, she was dressed up like a stereotypical Transylvanian vampire, but once that first sand-picture was formed by her hands, you were distracted by everything else.

This was contrasted by the eventual winners, Azerbaijan, who entered a song written by the same song writer as their entry last year. (Remember "Drip Drop"?) I guess they also hired the same choreographer, and stole their costumes from some passing ancient Greeks. They also had a freaking curtain of sparks. If you weren't concerned about the flamibility of the stage before, you were by now. The only problem with the song was that it was really, really dull. It may have been called "Running Scared", but I don't think anyone was. Just walking away very slowly in boredom and dismay.

There were very few bizarre entries this year, probably in response to the simplicity of Lena's act last year. That was more than made up for by Ireland and Moldova. These two insane acts made it through from semi-final two in some sort of strange lapse in logic from the voting public. Moldova went so far as to have a unicycling gnome fairy.... and a monocle.

Usually at this point, when the songs are done and dusted, I switch off, look up who won, wonder what the hell Europe was thinking in voting them the winner, and then go to bed. This year, however, since Julia and Sam were laying on the snark in such unbelievably good doses, I decided to hit record and keep watching later.

After the obligatory six thousand recaps, we were treated to a singer described as a "style guru" in his introduction. His songs weren't all that bad, but his suit sure as hell was. Once we got even more senseless padding to help everyone tally the votes, we finally got to the voting.

The tedium of crossing to 45 different countries was made bearable by Julia and Sam, and the fact that I noticed that an oddly high proportion of the people in each country we crossed to were attractive and female. The rest were wannabe comedians, which I had no issue with skipping over, even if Julia or Sam had something to say about them.

Finally, at the end of it all, Russia's singing, dancing, ice-skating stuntman proved that there was something he can't do: win Eurovision.


Summary: Dull Wins Out

I'm still trying to figure out what Europe's voting strategy was this year. By far the best song was Lena's "Taken By A Stranger", but like I said it doesn't have the energy you need to win a song contest. It's more the sort of song you put on a well thought out album for a change of pace. It's not hard to imagine someone with a soft voice, like Sarah Blasko or Julia Stone, covering it. (Actually, that'd be pretty cool.)

Azerbaijan was by far one of the dullest entries, and this is reflected by the fact that it came last in the SBS online poll. Ireland came first, which also gives me cause to despair.

But even if I was perplexed at Azerbaijan winning, it was still nice to see that Lena had a big smile on her face when she handed over the trophy. Awwww.